Insights From The Strong Friend

I've been feeling dissatisfied with my friendships lately and I've been on a journey of trying to figure out why. I have a small circle of people who I consider true friends and I've been reevaluating my friendships. I was sharing this with someone close to me and he said that a common denominator in my friendships is that I am always there for my friends and will drop everything to be there for them but that's not usually reciprocated. He said that I am surrounded by people who enjoy talking about themselves and the hardships they go through but tend to neglect me emotionally. I must admit, that was hard to hear. I'm very protective of my friends and would usually pop off if someone says anything negative about them but when he said that I couldn't get mad. He's right.

Every group of friends has a designated strong friend who everyone looks to for advice and who they feel can handle anything. The strong friend is the person who is deemed emotionally strong and appears to have it all together. I've always prided myself on being the strong friend in each of my friend groups. I've never tried to be but that's always been my role in my friendships. As I'm approaching 30, I'm realizing I want more out of my friendships and I don't necessarily want to be the strong friend all of the time. I need a balance. These past 4 years of living in SoFlo I've gone through a lot of hardships and a majority of them I've faced silently and alone.

Now you may ask, why not tell your friends what you're going though when you're going through it? Why can't you be vulnerable with the people who you consider close to you? The answer to these questions is that I've tried. I've expressed dissatisfaction. I've tried opening up to friends about what I've gone through. What I've realized is that they don't know how to comfort me or they half listen and I can tell they aren't invested in what I'm sharing and I shut down. Also, at times I'm interrupted so that they can tell me something about them that's related to what I'm sharing. I've realized they are so used to me being the comforter and the nurturer that when the roles are reversed it's foreign to them. There are also times when I just don't feel like sharing what's going on with me because I am not asked. I could be on the phone with friends for hours with them "dumping" their problems onto me and not once be asked how I am doing or what's going on with me. Meanwhile, they are completely depleting me emotionally with all of their problems. Don't get me wrong, I love being there for my friends. But I have things going on too. I need affirmation and encouragement too.

You may be thinking that I need new friends and perhaps the people I call friends aren't really my friends. But I'd beg to differ. I'm sure there are some of you out there who can relate to what I'm saying and are not sure what to do about it because you care about the people in your life and don't want to walk away completely. My advice to you and to myself is that it is okay to be selfish at times. It is necessary to set boundaries with your friends. You can let them know that you have hardships that you are facing yourself and that you are not in the space to take on their problems at the moment. It is okay to not be okay and to share that with them. If your friends are not sure how to comfort you during your hard times, tell them what you need from them and how they can be there for you. Strong friends have needs too and it's important to hold your friends accountable if you're feeling they're neglecting you emotionally. I am vowing to do better and to follow my own advise.

Are you a strong friend? Do you feel dissatisfied in your friendships? How have you handled this?