Social Anxiety

Social anxiety is the fear of social situations that involve interaction with other people. I interpret it as an intense fear of rejection and judgment from others. I suffer from social anxiety. I’ve suffered from it for as long as I can remember. When I was a child there were peers who I admired from afar who I wanted so badly to hang out with. But whenever they came around I would freeze up and act standoffish. Those peers would respond by not engaging with me very much and I’d become sad. It was so bad that my mom would have to pull me aside and tell me to stop acting weird. That’s what she used to call it growing up, "acting weird". She would often say to me, “Lisa, you’re being weird.” Then I would try my best to snap out of it but I felt paralyzed by fear. I would then beat myself up for acting that way and perseverate on the situation. I still do that. At that time, neither of us knew what was going on or why I would act that way. We just thought I was shy. But it was deeper than that. After church, I would stay glued to my mother’s side as she would talk for hours to various church folk we hadn’t seen all week. Some of them would tell me to go play with my peers but I was deathly afraid and would never go. It wasn’t until my mom got married and I inherited 2 stepsisters that I started to feel more comfortable branching out and talking with others with them by my side of course. I grew up as an only child for most of my life and it was pretty easy for me to make friends for the most part. Well, actually my method for making friends when I was younger was by standing or sitting by a wall near peers I wanted to hang out with and laugh at their jokes until one of them would include me. I did this a lot at the summer camps and Boys and Girl’s clubs I attended. It usually worked. I never had problems making friends at school though because I attended a small private school from 1^st-9^th grade, and I was well-known by everyone there. By the 10^th grade, I was more confident in myself and started to branch out to make friends at my new school, which was practice for me for when I attended a boarding school for 11^th and 12^th grade. I still struggled though so I targeted specific people to be my friends. These people were new to the school as well and didn’t know anyone either so I figured it would be less likely for them to reject me. It worked and I’m still friends with them to this day. 

Growing up as an only child I was forced to come out of my comfort zone a lot as I had to experience a lot of places on my own and learn how to meet and connect with people. I’d perfected faking confidence as I got older. It’s interesting because most people I meet don’t even know this is something I struggle with. They tell me that they perceive me as a strong confident woman who is sure of herself and who is talkative and friendly. But they don’t know me well enough to notice my fidgety behaviors, constant sweating, and deep breathing. These symptoms worsen when I am not comfortable around people or when I am around new people who I like and want to befriend. Don’t get me wrong I no longer fake confidence and I am sure of myself now but that hasn’t necessarily decreased my social anxiety. I’ve learned to overcompensate for my social anxiety by being the life of the party at times. I’m a goofy person by nature but when I’m really uncomfortable I become even more silly. I’d become an over-sharer. Small talk stresses me out so to skip that part I would share more than I needed to to people I didn’t know too well. I called it being transparent and real, but it really wasn’t that. I’ve gotten better with this over the past couple of years though. I also overcompensate by being the accommodator. I still struggle with this and it exhausts me. The accommodator is the person who volunteers to do too much even when it is inconvenient for them. I volunteer to host, drive, make all the plans, and be overwhelmingly helpful at times. It’s really exhausting, but I’ve gotten much better with this as well. 

 It didn’t click until about a year ago that I have social anxiety. I never understood why I would sweat, fidget with my hands, struggle breathing, and sometimes stutter in social settings. Since moving to Florida, my social anxiety has worsened. I believe it’s due to the many rejections I’ve experienced here from heartbreaks to friendships of convenience. It’s been overwhelming and has caused me to go deeper into my shell. I’m not as social as I used to be or want to be, and I can feel myself shutting people out and “acting weird”. I don’t want to do that. I enjoy being around people and connecting with others. It’s complicated though because I truly believe that I am a likeable person and most people I encounter like me. I really love making friends. I just hate small talk and surfaced level talk. That’s when I get the most anxious (aside from walking in a room with a lot of people). I hate silence during a conversation. I frequently worry what do we talk about or what if I bore them or what if there is awkward silence? These thoughts aren’t always at the forefront of my mind, but they are definitely there subconsciously which causes my “weird behaviors”. If you know me it may be hard for you to understand since I am always up front singing. You may see me working the room and talking to many people or notice that I have a lot of friends all over the country, and I attend events alone. Singing has always been a coping method for me regardless if I’m singing privately or publicly. But if you see me working the room and talking to a bunch of people or attending an event alone it is because I pushed myself to do that. I've learned that repeatedly exposing myself to what makes me uncomfortable helps me push through and that eventually doing so will cause that anxiety trigger to lose its power for good. It’s an overcompensation as I mentioned earlier. It may be strange for you to read that a psychologist struggles with social anxiety but I’m a person too. Now that I am aware, it’s something that I’ve been actively working on with thought-stopping techniques, turning negative thoughts into positive ones, and therapy. Yes, psychologists need therapy too. It's made me more conscious of people I meet who appear standoffish and unfriendly. Perhaps they struggle with this as well. This realization has made me more patient and understanding of them. I am still exploring how and why I developed social anxiety and will share more thoughts on this once I do. I wonder if there is anyone who can relate to this.

Do you struggle with social anxiety? How do you compensate?